Head Like A Hole

The only thing I feared was the light of day. It showed what I didn’t want anyone to see. I’d gone too far. Going to class meant sitting in the back of the room, wearing sunglasses, and wanting the night to come. I ran across campus to pay her a visit. She made me feel bulletproof.

The mirror was an enemy. I cut my hair short so I didn’t need to look. The only people I interacted with were conduits to her. It started as a Thursday night thing. That was party night at college. Months of worshiping her changed every day into Thursday night.

I tried to keep going. I woke up with her . I saw her at lunch. I didn’t go to sleep at night, with her. Finally I saw her in the light of day. I don’t remember how I opened my bloodshot eyes, but the wreck she’d made my life was obvious. I woke up on the floor of a place I didn’t know. My chest burned. My head was a hole. She didn’t care. She wanted me to want her more. The crash was sudden and it was devastating. The wreckage was my mind, my body and my soul.

I ran away. No, that’s wrong. I slinked away, like a thief, stealing my life back in shadows of the night that owned me.

She was a white demon I called snowflake. She wasn’t a woman at all. 


Write on Edge: RemembeREDToday we’re trying a little something different. Are you ready? Your word is below. Take the next ten minutes to write about the first single memory that word calls up. Focus on the emotions and the experience, spend ten minutes really exploring that memory. Then wrap it up, publish, and come back to link up.

RemembeRED, Write on Edge, Memoir writing prompt

Today’s song is one that played a lot when I went through this time. Here’s Nine Inch Nails’ Head Like A Hole. The lyrics are perfect.

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37 responses to “Head Like A Hole

  1. You know that sharp, indrawn breath when you know something terrible is happening, and you’re powerless to stop it?

    That was how I spent this read, paused before the exhale, eyes wide.

  2. Very powerful images here and I’m really glad you waited until the very end to give her a name. I was definitely holding my breath, my eyes just racing as I read through it. Definitely fabulous writing.

  3. My favorite lines “The only thing I feared was the light of day. It showed what I didn’t want anyone to see.” Fantastic opener. Largely because I totally relate. But also because naming fear and showing vulnerability up front is a great way to draw people in, as I was. I think this was a truly elegant way to describe that part of your life.

  4. this is “rip your heart out and expose every secret” good.

    Love it for the emotion you instilled in the words. hated it for the pain this period of your life must have caused.

    Good stuff

  5. Every time I read your pieces, I am reminded of how powerful a writer that you are, and of course I am a tiny bit jealous. This was incredibly visceral, from start to finish. It seemed as though you were reliving the emotions of that time all over again, and maybe you were. Bravo to you for surviving to write about it.

  6. Lance, seriously, my heart alternated between absolutely racing and just stopping through this piece. The personification here is so natural and just perfect.

    There are some things in my life I wanted to try so badly but knew, knowing myself, how quickly they could get out of hand. This is one of them.

    “…changed every day into Thursday night.” I had a period like that in college, with different vices, and it’s a terrible place to be.

  7. How perfect that you personified ‘her’. Those addictions become you partner in life. Holding you in a grip tighter than anything or anyone else can.

    Congratulations for winning your life back.
    Well done. And well written.

  8. This is so perfectly written. It’s concise, descriptive, emotion driven and I can “feel” the urgency. I’m sorry for the circumstances, but this is just a great piece of writing.

  9. Ouch, this is devastating to read, but so well done. I actually like how you start to say that you ran away, but then correct it to say you slinked away. What a powerful ending, and the personification is perfection.

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