I was 45 minutes deep into a post about grilling when my wife, the all knowing Bobina, says “you know that funny story in the grocery store today has to be a blog post. It would be great.” So none of you are getting my hamburger recipe or steak marinading advice. Instead, you get to read about what a wanton, man whore of a cheater my kids think I am.
My wife and younger girls (aged 6 & 7) are very slow in the grocery store. They derive pleasure from talking about what cereal to buy or how rolls are cooler than loaf bread. I can do an entire list and have my cart put away by the time they get to the produce. While they loitered around the deli meat waiting to chew the fat about roast beef, I ran over to the another section of the store and picked up a few items. My phone rang.
Bobina: “You have some explaining to do!”
Dudes know the voice. It’s that one your significant other drops when you have forgotton something, had a weird email or text message from someone duplicitous, or not coming home on time. I had done none of those.
Me: “What is it baby?”
Bobina: “According yo your DAUGHTERS, the reason you go for long runs is because you have a girlfriend that you are going to marry so we need to get a divorce and they are going to find me a man.”
Me: “I’ll be right there.”
Let’s discuss some facts. I’ve never cheated in my life. I have never thought about straying from my happy marriage. I do not have the time, energy, desire, or availability to think about another woman (except Christina Aquilera) much less be doing something.
As I walked to the deli counter and looked into the 3 sets of sparkling blue eyes before me, I realized the girls were pranking my wife. The goofy grins on the little ones gave them away.
Carly aka Goose (age 6): “So, Lance (she calls me Lance or Daddy, depending on when she wants something), mommy needs a new man she can find and make sweet love too since you have a girlfriend named Bubbly or whatever.
Let’s stop and drop some more facts. If I were going to run around on Bobina. I’m not doing it with someone named after a Colbie Calliat song.
Lyla aka Bug (age 7): “Daddy, we told mommy that yoooouuuuu go running to see your guuuuurrrrllllfriend and that’s just wrong. So she needs another man. I’m going to stay with her and the man.
Now, I knew this was crazy crap. Bug is a daddy’s girl. I could kill a guy or three and she’s staying with me. I’m the only person she knows who can throw a perfect football spiral and/or string a fishing pole.
Bobina: (laughing, hard): “So, I need for you to go on the other side of the store, get the milk and some cinnamon rolls so I can pick up my new man.”
Every guy I have ever known has said this: “if she’s going to be jealous and accuse me of something, I might as well be doing it.”
Usually I think this line of thinking is ignorant but when your kids think you’re a dog, what do you do?
My daughters (all three of them) are incurable, incorrigible smart alecks with wicked senses of humor. They better be planning a vicious prank for their mom soon. If not, I may go for a longer run than usual.
Happy Memorial Day. To those who have served or are serving, thank you so very much.
Today’s song is a combination of subject matter relation and representative of my personality. I usually, after much consternation, try to “Brightside” everything. This was just a prank and it made us all laugh for hours. I’ve always interpreted this song as a guy imagined a cheating relationship his girlfriend is having because he doesn’t feel good enough. In this case my girls did this for laughs and reversed the genders. Here’s The Killers Mr. Brightside.