I Haven’t Got A Clue


Twenty years is a long time to hold a grudge. Maybe writing this story will make it end.

I don’t care for Halloween. It just does nothing for me. My wife and kids love dressing up, carving pumpkins, trick or treating, watching scary movies, and being on prolonged sugar highs. I go through the motions with them, because they have my love and attention. If i tell the truth, I could live with a horror flick or three and eating my weight in pumpkin pie for a weekend, then calling it all off. I realize it’s a time to not take things seriously, loosen up, and have fun. If you know me, then you understand, I don’t have fun when I’m supposed to.

I enjoyed Halloween as a child. Two decades ago, something happened and I just decided I was made for Christmas and Easter, so All Hallow’s Eve could shove it sideways.

Like a lot of guys, I have an over the top fascination with The Godfather Movie Trilogy. In 1991, I was one of a few people who actually thought the third Godfather film was art. Since I was a teenager I have had people tell me I look like Andy Garcia. When my hair’s long, the tan is deep, and I’m in the right mood, I see what they’re talking about. Andy played Vincent Mancini-Corleone in the third movie. He makes more wardrobe changes than Madonna during a tour. He chews scenery. Mostly, he steals the movie from Al Pacino. For a costume party, I decided I would be Andy’s Vincent. I had to work that afternoon so that wearing everything to the radio station. The suit jacket was wool. The black mock turtle was too tight. I had half a bottle of hair gel slicking my hair.

Despite being uncomfortable, not really costumed but dressed up, and extraordinarily cranky from work and school, I met my friends at the party. I entered the scenario wanting people to “get” my Halloween idea. When people asked if I had just come from Catholic Mass I decided I wasn’t having fun. Then things got out of hand. I drank too much “Halloween punch”, got sick thus ruining a really nice sports coat and found my girl who may or may not have been more than a friend being overly nice to a not very super Superman. That night, and subsequent Halloween disappointments, I have recoiled in horror at the idea that the day and night are anything more than a time for me to be angry and regretful.

I’ve struggled for years with anxiety and how that has clouded my thinking for the most simple things in life. Halloween isn’t anything more than an excuse to let go and laugh. Watching my wife and kids really be excited for October 31st has me thinking that this “holiday” is just an excuse for kids to be kids and grown ups to be kids. When it comes to having fun at the right time, often, I haven’t got a clue.

*****blogger’s note ****

This is my entry into my friends at Write on Edge http://www.writeonedge.com ‘s prompt about Halloween costumes and The Lightning and the Lightning Bug’s Halloween Memory of a “Horror” http://thewriteandthewrongword.blogspot.com/ .

Today’s song was playing at that party in 1991. I’m a Dramarama fan. I enjoy this song every five or so years it crosses my path. I heard it this morning by accident looking for a Soundgarden song. It brought back the memory of twenty years ago. Then, I wrote. Here’s Dramarama’s I Haven’t Got A Clue.