Wearing and Tearing


I live with weirdos. It takes one to know one, so I’m calling them out. Of the five people inside my house, I’m the only one that wears my crazy on my sleeve and the internets. Most people think my wife, three daughters, dog and cat are perfect.

Well, they are, sometimes; but they’re also nuts.

My wife knows how much I dislike most pop culture things. This Fifty Shades Of Grey mommypR0n suburban smut bilge bound to look like a book phenomenon invaded my home. I don’t have a problem with erotica, read my friend Eden Baylee’s new book, Spring into Summer, it’s really great. I beef with the lack of redeeming qualities of the writing. Bobina found fifteen dollars under the couch and bought it at The Target. I’ve put up with New Kids on the Block concerts, country music playing in the car, and teenage vampire shows. You’d think the Bobina would give me a break.

Of course not.

I caught her reading it in the bathtub, which conjured thoughts of this Saturday Night Live skit:


To be honest, I’ve been neglectful lately, writing an actual novel with character depth and decent dialogue. So, whatever gets Bobina to pass time while I’m with my mistress, Helene Troy (coming soon), then fine.

The only person in the house that shows me unconditional love 24/7 is the 100-pound six and a half-year-old male golden retriever, Buddy.

We have an unspoken father-son radar love. He knew my frustrations, so he reviewed Fifty Shades Of Grey. I came home yesterday and this is what I found in the bedroom.

For those of you with curiosity to inquire about the fuss of two of the most insipid characters ever written, Buddy has delivered. He didn’t get a treat for his review but I’m considering letting him have a regular spot on this blog, or his own blog altogether.  We could have him “review” Call Me Maybe singer, Carly Rae Jepsen’s CD?

*****blogger’s note****

This is creative non-fiction fitted to Trifecta Writing’s “Home” prompt. http://www.trifectawritingchallenge.com/ Please check out their site and my friend @edenbaylee well written book for grown-ups http://www.amazon.com/Spring-into-Summer-ebook/dp/B008IJ4BNM

In honor of Buddy and the wearing and tearing of a bad book, let’s get the Led out. Here’s Wearing and Tearing….


49 thoughts on “Wearing and Tearing

  1. LOL…I guess I won’t admit I like that “Call Me Maybe” song then. I don’t want to be attacked by Buddy.

    I do love his treatment of that book. Awesome

  2. I’m with you and Buddy on this one. If I could have shredded the cover of 50 Shades on my Kindle, I’d have done so with tears of joy. Kindle needs an app for that. I’m now concerned that I might be more of a freak than I once thought. It did nothing for me, perhaps because I didn’t make it past chapter 3 before I felt full on anger set in.

  3. Haha nice!

    I’m all for this review your dogson gave that…I’m loathe to even call it a book.

    I have had it in for this series. I am happy it brought erotica and all things kinky to the general public (especially because it will help people like Eden out,) but Ugh, does it have to be so badly written???

    There are so many other, better, more skilled romance writers out there. (like Eden.) Why did the public have to latch into this one?? Is our culture really that bad off?! (rhetorical, don’t answer that)

    Sigh… Rant over. Great writing.


  4. Have you seen this? http://textfromdog.tumblr.com/ Seriously. It’s such junk food for the mind, but it makes me pee my pants, so it’s a trade off. I think I was 12 or so when I went to my one and only NKOTB concert. That was the last time I ever wanted to go to an NKOTB concert, as well. And I have spent the last 23 years of my life shaming my inner 12-year-old for having gone to that concert. And country? My mom wouldn’t even allow it in the house if I wanted to listen to it. And no, there was no moral or religious reason. It was because my mom said country music sucked and it wasn’t going to be played in her house. Instead, I knew every word to Fleetwood Mac’s Rumours album, Seger’s Stranger In Town, and I knew how to tease my hair just like Stevie Nicks. And when everyone on the band bus was singing “Friends in Low Places,” I had to stick my headphones in my ears and turn up They Might Be Giant’s Flood album as loud as my sad little walkman would go because I was sure if I listened to them sing, I’d grow a mullet. My childhood was so hard.

  5. lololol oh this made me laugh! I must confess, I love that song, “Call me Maybe.” It’s my daughter’s fault. She played it over and over and over until I was brainwashed. It’s on my iPod. 😮

  6. I’m going to stick to my plan to never read a word of 50 Shades and instead simply watch that SNL clip. Over and over.


    Side note: My entire family would support Buddy’s review of “Call me Maybe”…
    Pretty sure.

  7. Buddy is my hero. I will never read another book without checking with him first. I hate that I paid money for this book and helped it climb the charts. Wouldn’t have minded if it was actually erotic but nothing in it matches the hype. Hey ho!

      • It was book club pressure I swear m’lord. Scarily it was recommended by the mother-in-law of one of the members. When I first heard of it I thought it was going to be a dark, emotionally charged erotic thriller. Disappointed doesn’t come close. Perhaps Buddy should become our mascot and then such reading faux pas will not occur.

  8. Our Golden, Bobby, once ate a twenty dollar bill. Drawing a parallel to your piece, I wonder if he was telling us that money is the root of all evil. Enjoyed your story and the book reviews, both yours and Buddy’s.

  9. That Saturday Night Live skit is one of my favorite ever — and I have not even read the book. And I may never, after your review (and your dog’s). Thanks for the warning.

    On an entirely different writing subject, I wanted to thank you for your kind comments on my 500th post. Tried to find an email address so as to say so “personally” but could not find one listed here. Lance, you have the distinction of reading more Style Maniac posts than any man except my husband (who is kind of forced to). You are one stylish and supportive guy. Thank you.

    • haha…I have no style. None. My wife and daughters dress me. But you read and comment me. So I return the favor. I have no clue what you’re talking about but I still read.

  10. I’m with you, Lance. I mean, “Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter?” This new book has been thrust at me (and thrust and thrust, wink) by well-meaning girlfriends, most of whom have really nice REAL objects of affection at home. I don’t get this whole cult. It’s peer pressure. Remember The Godfather? Was it Page 23 or something with the slutty scene up against the wall? Everyone knew that, too.

    I say your dog should be on TV. Bet FOX would give him a slot, but you don’t want your sweet doggie to go THERE, so maybe a webcast? Too funny. Amy

  11. I had to read 50 Shades for a book club. I was four pages in before I wanted to self injure. But, I do have to say that I’m glad I persevered. Why am I glad? Certainly not because of the piss poor writing/plot/sentence construction/character development/pacing/dialogue/setting. But because now I have a leg to stand on when I tell people how terrible it is. It’s terrible. Your dog is smart.

    Thanks for linking up.

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