It may seem ridiculous for me to type hundreds of words about a liar talking to a narcissist but I think I can make a salient points that we can discuss and learn. A sociopath, Lance Armstrong, sat down with the narcissist, Oprah Winfrey, somewhere in Hawaii this week and picked his teeth with some kind of apology. Depending on which leak you believe, the other Lance, not this Lance, acknowledges he used performance enhancing drugs and lied about it for over a decade. At some point Oprah asks him how spiritual he was, if he ate hamburgers from Amarillo, Texas, and if he liked Dirty Dancing. There was some speculation in that last paragraph, toward the end.


Why is this important? On the surface some dude who rode a bike to many Tour De France titles, got cancer, beat cancer, really well, while doped up and then having his blood doped to avoid prosecution seems, well, whatever. In my opinion, this is important because for well over a decade he founded, ran, and used his charity pulpit, Livestrong, to raise hundreds of millions of dollars for cancer research. He did it on a lie of “I came back from the brink of death out of sheer will, determination and never give up spirit to be a champion”. Have you seen how many yellow bracelets people wear? Most of the people at your gym, kid’s soccer game, or church social have never pedaled anything more than a Big Wheel.

Okay writer Lance, not cheating athlete Lance, the money went to a good cause, he made a lot of people aware and happy, and at the end of the days he’s been stripped of every title he won and disgraced. Why do you care? I care because Lance Armstrong did more than lie. He hurt other people who tried to do the right thing by being truthful. Yellow jersey Lance abused people as much as he abused the drugs.

I’m going to watch the Queen Of Green billionaire Oprah interview the Pinocchio of Pedaling. Because I want to see if he answers some questions other than, “dude, you did you use drugs then dope your blood to evade positive tests? It should go sot of like this:

“Why are you letting me, Oprah Winfrey, interview you? I know nothing about cycling and my cable channel is watched by about 4,000 housewives and no one knows what channel it’s on their cable package unless I show a movie where Jo from the Facts Of Life gets beat up by her boyfriend. Did you agree to this because I was on one Hawaiian Island while you on another? I just told my bff, Gayle King, that you made me stay 2 extra days in Maui. This is hard work. So, you ask me a hard question, Lance, okay don’t.

Two of your perjury cases have had their statute of limitations pass. My producer, the one I didn’t fire for bringing my latte too hot, told me that. Is this why you’re coming clean?

I don’t like testicles, Gayle can tell you that, but you only have one. Is that due to all the drugs you took? I mean some steroids can cause cancer. Or is that cows? I’ll ask Dr. Phil.

Several of your old teammates like Greg Lemond and Tyler Hamilton questioned your drug testing results and your statements, now you say were lies. You basically ruined their careers through intimidation and scaring away sponsors. You’re worth millions, by the way, my gardener makes what you make, but I digress, and Hamilton and LeMond are having hard times making money through cycling. Are you sorry for them?

Oh the way you treat women, and trust me brother, I don’t like them either, otherwise I would treat my staff better and speak out more on women’s issues, is horrible. You dumped Sheryl Crow after she got cancer? I like her. She played on my show. What’s up with that?


More on the girlfriends, boyfriend! Emma O’Reilly, oh God, that sounds fake, that was her name? Anyway, Emma was an Irish girl who gave you and your team massages. In the early 2000s, she told stories of rampant doping and how she was used to transport the drugs across international borders. She testified that you tried to make her life hell. Her story was true, Lance, wasn’t it? And you knew it was true. Yet despite knowing it was true, you, a famous multimillionaire superstar, used high-priced lawyers to sue this simple woman for more money than she was worth in England, where slander laws favor the famous. She had no chance to fight it.  She testified that you tried to ruin her by spreading word that she was a drunken prostitute. That’s messed up, Lance. Oh and you sent one of your boys to threaten the wife of one of your teammates, Betsy Andreu when she and her husband, former teammate named Frankie, testified you admitted to using several drugs and doping agents. Now, you are going to call these girls and apologize too, right?”

The point is, the other Lance will unlikely answer these questions. It will be about feelings and redemption. Those are awesome things, if you weren’t a raging sociopathic gangster for over a decade while posing as the picture of perspiring perseverance and collecting checks.

Nine-hundred words about two people I’m convinced will be, as Bruno Mars sings, locked out of Heaven. Because they’re evil. I’ll be glued.

Here’s Interpol.


21 thoughts on “Evil

  1. Oh, man. This is such a weird thing because ppl still want to love fundraiser Lance. It’s hard for me to see past those he destroyed when they fessed up and he refused to follow. No, I don’t know all the facts, but I know Lance is as human as the other riders and they all took drugs…world, make of that what you will. Oprah…bah…nevermind. I’m still rolling over that line about Jo from Facts of Life. Damn, Lance, you kill me with your wit. Thanks for the laugh today. 🙂

  2. I thought I was the only one who wondered if his doping caused his ball cancer. Sure, he made millions for charity – but he made millions for himself too. Most celeb charities are just a tax loophole anyway. I hate that Lance. (Not this one though.)

    • when the French first started hounding Armstrong the first thing I said to myself was “wonder if the epo and and roids caused his cancer”. Today was the first time I ever typed it out. Thanks for not hating me.

  3. Oh, that is so fucking WEIRD. So there I was, no shit. Driving back from the grocery store today, my brain mulling over the kind of human being one must be in order to live any kind of dignified existence with achievements you cheated to earn, a charity based on a lie, and entire life based on a lie. Knowing that, had he not gotten caught, he would continue to do it until the day he died without the slightest bit of remorse. And I was thinking, yep, that’s the true definition of a sociopath. Most people think Ted Bundy when you say that word. But true sociopaths are much more prolific and much more difficult to sequester. True sociopaths feed off of society like a parasite until they suck them dry, and then move on to the next society. Yet the rest of us are burdened with things like a conscience, guilt, empathy, love and heartbreak…. I’d much rather with a looser with feelings than a winner without them.

    • exactly

      This what the Livestrong diehards need to see. They have a great charity but they believed in an evil freak from hell who used them. That’s sociopathy. good comment

  4. This is just a brilliant write. Brilliant. It sickens me that anyone cares about this, other than to rise up, take his other testicle and as much of his ill-gotten money as possible, and kick him to the curb.

  5. I love this. And I totally agree. I don’t have the energy anymore to rail against “St. Lance” it’s tiresome. Pace yourself.

    I’ve never liked him, but to his credit my pre-husband boyfriend (who was a cyclist) never liked Armstrong and instilled a good hatred for him in me. That was pre-scandal even, back in the late 80’s.

    I think what’s most offensive is the fact that he’s distilled the concept of winning. Well, that and the fact that he painted himself into a corner with his denial.

  6. You know that Livestrong stopped funding research many, many years ago right? It was a PR machine for him with huge reserves. It was NOT a cancer research machine. I could go on and on and on about this guy. Ugh.

  7. I never really liked him, to be honest. I was always annoyed by those little yellow bracelets. I just didn’t have a good reason to justify my feelings. What makes me mad is hearing what a witch hunt he fell victim to. I believed that. I believed the government was just hounding him unnecessarily. When I heard one of his former teammates testify to exactly how the doping was done, I knew it was so elaborate that it had to be true. And now with hindsight, I see that he really is the prick I always thought he was.

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